Firefighter strangles retired teacher in Costco

This did not actually happen, but it could have. I was recently counseling a firefighter couple and I opened the session with a basic question, “How are you doing?” The look that the husband gave me and his reply were both powerful. “I am having a BAD day.” He was irritable, short tempered and need of a session to simply release and be heard. I had an initial plan to do some EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with him, but I always remain flexible to client’s needs. Upon reading the client’s face and hearing his reply, I altered my previous plan and decided to have a couples counseling session.

Earlier in the day, the gentleman went into his local Costco and he got “tipped over” by the following experience. Prior to entering the store, he was irritable and short on patience. Then it happened. A person was blocking the main aisle with their half full cart, which appeared abandoned, as they unapologetically enjoyed a free sample of granola. A moment of bliss while sampling something for FREE. Has this ever happened to you? Have you experienced the inconvenience of other shoppers casually loafing around the store as if our time here on earth is endless? At times a basic trip to Costco is a test of patience and one’s civility. Some days, and definitely at some time periods of the day, it is best advised to simply avoid Costco.

After I allowed the husband to vent his real gripes, we did some work around the awareness of his feelings BEFORE he entered the store. It may have been a good day to decide not to shop at Costco all together. It could have been a good day to inquire if the wife could tackle that job instead for the family. I also suggested the idea that then, today, or any day in the future that he could choose to simply leave the store prior to yelling at another customer. No harm, no foul. An exercise in self-discipline and an expression of restraint.

My next suggestion involved the following exercise. I asked the husband to envision, His Holiness the Dalai Lama shopping at Costco in a freshly pressed robe. Surely, His Holiness would relish the experience of seeing someone lost in the simple joy of sampling free goods- cheese, granola, or nuts. How different each person’s experience would be at the same Costco – all based upon their inner experiences. Their experiences clearly are informed by their attitude, inner experience, and their reactions to the same behaviors of other people. One person’s experience, the firefighter would be one of extreme irritation based on a personal insult and his Holiness’s experience would be one of positivity and warmth.

The good news is that we are not helpless in this dynamic. We have choices and options. To shop or not, to shop now or later, to leave the store or stay, and whether or not we ask our wife or partner to shop for us. All excellent options in lieu of the alternative- legal charges of elder abuse and battery by a person entrusted with the public trust who took an oath of service. The avoidance of feelings of guilt, public shame, and formal disciplinary meetings with superiors at work in a Class A uniform.

The good news is that nobody was hurt that day in Costco. We closed the counseling session with some shared laughter over the work we had done together. The previous tension was unpacked and released. It can be nice to not need to apologize to yourself, your spouse, your fellow church members for “losing your cool in a Costco.”

Let me be clear, I too have been a frustrated shopper. This, I imagine is nearly universal. This is the small price we all have to pay if we want the convenience of these high-quality items all at a discount… With the cheapest fuel prices in town and a car wash too! There will inevitably be other shoppers there for the same reasons that we are. Hopefully, we can all get along and not choke each other out before we check out at the register. May you shop in Peace and find joy in observing others as they shop as well.