The Critical Importance of Work / Life Balance… BEWARE!

Anytime we can work and earn 1.5 times our regular rate – that is “wonderful”. Until it’s not. There is an old question that is worth reflecting upon… “Do you live to work? Or work to live?” As professional first responders, we do exchange our time and labor for money. It is a simple exchange with our employers. It is critical to think about your work life balance… First responders can often get “sucked in” by the extra money while accidentally neglecting important personal commitments and obligations at home.

Are you currently a bachelor with no children? Then, working 4 days in a row will not affect your spouse or children. Or do you currently have 3 children at home under the age of 5 years and a spouse who is feeling overwhelmed, neglected, and unsupported? Have you established a network of helpers to assist your spouse in cases where she (or he) may be overwhelmed or simply needs a break?

In my fire service career, early on as a new employee as well as late in my career, the people that worked the most overtime- sometimes as many as twenty or more – 24 hour shifts in a month were either divorced or became divorced. I recall a story that my father shared from his fire service career where a coworker returned home after working a “96 hour shift” – 2 regular days and 2 overtime days, and upon entering the front door of his house he discovered that it was empty. E-M-P-T-Y. EMPTY!!! No couch, no television, no bookcase, no plants, and no wife… I am willing to bet that there were clues that the husband either missed or ignored…

Sometimes the first responder can think, “I am working hard for us and our future.” And at the same time the partner can have feelings of loneliness, abandonment, or that the profession is more important than they are. This is critically important to honor both partners and to honor their feelings and experiences… because BOTH of these truths can exist at the same time.

I am also aware of instances where a coworker has used both work and overtime as an avoidance in dealing with difficult issues at home with children and spouses. This use of avoidance, as a maladaptive coping strategy is sometimes consciously occurring but sometimes unconsciously too. Problems are always best dealt with when they are small and manageable. In my own family as well as in school, I learned that behavior and consequences are inextricably related. During my youth, if my father worked four days straight at the fire station and my brother and I misbehaved on a Monday… after school Friday was too far away from the misdeed(s) for my father to address the issue in person with us. This meant that my mother needed to be both a nurturer and a disciplinarian depending upon what our behavior warranted. This is not dissimilar from supervisor – subordinate relationships as well. “Opportunities for growth” will occur within the fire station environment or field training with police officers as well. There is a valuable management axiom: Praise in public. Criticize in private. This axiom applies to parenting as well.

A conversation with yourself – for reflection after introspection, as well as with your partner can do a lot of good. It can allow for reconnection, allow for each partner to feel heard and valued, and allow the couple to readjust and make repairs in the relationship if needed. I often help facilitate these conversations between couples as a therapist. I had a coworker, who consistently over many years was the highest earning employee who eventually became divorced. He sometimes worked 23 or 24 shifts in a 30-day month! Once the unfortunate news began to circulate amongst our coworkers another coworker quipped, “He was already divorced… he just did not know it yet.”

The issues and fallout surrounding a divorce do not stop here. A divorce, especially late in your career, can result in needing to work longer than previously expected with the physical demands of the job taking more of a toll. Time in service credit for retirement is simply calculated in a linear fashion. The first 5 years of a 30 year career (working in your twenties) are quite different on the body as opposed to the last 5 years (working in your fifties or sixties). Also, later in life there is less time to recover from a financial calamity. I know of a 40 year career firefighter who was consistently at the top of the overtime hours worked list, year after year, who got a divorce late in his career. I sincerely hope he does not plan on working another 10 years in a physically demanding profession. In fact, the actuarial tables show that the earlier that first responders retire (closer to age 50) the longer that they live and collect retirement earnings! These tables are valid, independent and based on large groups of people. This is critical information to learn, absorb, and share.

I do not want to tell anyone how to live their life. That is not my intention. I do however want to warn people who are reading this about a pattern that I have noticed… People who work too much can lose their family in the process. I have seen it occur. My father saw it too during his career. A little overtime and the extra income it affords is a wonderful thing and can allow for increased savings, home repairs, and the chance to save for a “rainy day”. Too much overtime can result in a broken family, the sale of your home, divorce, and a 50% reduction in your retirement benefits.

BE AWARE, stay engaged with your spouse and family and remember, the “WHY” you work… to provide for your family.

If you or your spouse need help managing this balance, I am a phone call away.